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GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE 4th July 4004 B.C.
God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order
to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to
answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address
unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.
1. How did you find out about God?
__ Newspaper __ Other Book
__ Television __ Divine Inspiration
__ Word of mouth __ Near Death Experience
__ Tabloid __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Bible __ Other
__ Torah (specify): _____________
2. Which model God did you acquire?
__ Yoweh __ Father, Son & Holy Ghost
__ Jehova __ Jesus
__ Alah __ Satan
__ God __ None of the above, I was taken
__ G_d in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working
order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
__ Yes __ No
If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here:
__________________________________________________________________
4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god?
Please check all that apply.
__ Indoctrinated by parents __ Needed a reason to live
__ Indoctrinated by society __ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Imaginary friend grew up __ Hate to think for myself
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys __ Fear of death
__ Wanted to piss off parents __ Needed a day away from work
__ Desperate need for certainty __ Like Organ Music
__ Need to feel Morally Superior __ My shrubbery caught fire and
told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god
were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.
__ Odin __ Cthulhu
__ Zeus __ The Almighty Dollar
__ Appolo __ Left Wing Liberalism
__ Ra __ Barney T.B.P.D.
__ The great Spirit __ The Great Pumpkin
__ The Sun __ Bill Clinton
__ The Moon __ A burning cabbage
__ The Bomb __ Other: ________________
6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition
to God? Please check all that apply.
__ Tarot __ Lottery
__ Astrology __ Television
__ Fortune cookies __ Ann Landers
__ Psychic Friends Network __ Dianetics
__ Palmistry __ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Self-help books __ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Biorythms __ Bill Clinton
__ Tea Leaves __ EST
__ Mantras __ Jimmy Swaggert
__ Crystals __ Human Sacrifice
__ Pyramids __ Wandering around a desert
__ Insurance policies __ Burning Shrubbery
__ Barney T.B.P.D. __ Other: _____________________
__ Barney Fife __ None
7. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you
prefer (circle one)?
a. More Divine Intervention
b. Less Divine Intervention
c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
d. Don't know...what's Divine Intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and
miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the
following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
a. Disasters
flood 1 2 3 4 5
famine 1 2 3 4 5
earthquake 1 2 3 4 5
war 1 2 3 4 5
pestilence 1 2 3 4 5
plague 1 2 3 4 5
SPAM 1 2 3 4 5
AOL 1 2 3 4 5
b. Miracles
rescues 1 2 3 4 5
spontaneous remissions 1 2 3 4 5
stars hovering over towns 1 2 3 4 5
crying statues 1 2 3 4 5
water changing to wine 1 2 3 4 5
walking on water (other 1 2 3 4 5
than the Hudson)
talking flaming shrubbery 1 2 3 4 5
VCRs that set their own 1 2 3 4 5
clocks
Sadam Husein still alive 1 2 3 4 5
Cubs winning the Series 1 2 3 4 5
Clinton's re-election 1 2 3 4 5
9. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving
the quality of God's services? (Attach additional sheet if necessary):
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________________
Thank you!