Disorder in the Court

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." They're things people actually said in court, word for word.

   Q: What is your date of birth?
   A: July fifteenth.
   Q: What year?
   A: Every year.

   Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
   A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

   Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
   A: I forget.
   Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that
      you've forgotten?

   Q: How old is your son-the one living with you.
   A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
   Q: How long has he lived with you?
   A: Forty-five years.

   Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he
      woke that morning?
   A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
   Q: And why did that upset you?
   A: My name is Susan.

   Q: And where was the location of the accident?
   A: Approximately milepost 499.
   Q: And where is milepost 499?
   A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

   Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
   A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

   Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
   A: After the accident?
   Q: Before the accident.
   A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

   Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the
      voodoo or occult?
   A: We both do.
   Q: Voodoo?
   A: We do.
   Q: You do?
   A: Yes, voodoo.

   Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and
      blue lights flashing?
   A: Yes.
   Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
   A: Yes, sir.
   Q: What did she say?
   A: What disco am I at?

   Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
      sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

   Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

   Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

   Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

   Q: Did he kill you?

   Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

   Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

   Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

   Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And what were you doing at that time?

   Q: She had three children, right?
   A: Yes.
   Q: How many were boys?
   A: None.
   Q: Were there any girls?

   Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
   A: Yes.
   Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

   Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't
      you?
   A: I went to Europe, Sir.
   Q: And you took your new wife?

   Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
   A: By death.
   Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

   Q: Can you describe the individual?
   A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
   Q: Was this a male, or a female?

   Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
      notice which I sent to your attorney?
   A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

   Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
   A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

   Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
   A: Oral.

   Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
   A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
   Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
   A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
      autopsy.

   Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

   Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
      pulse?
   A: No.
   Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
   A: No.
   Q: Did you check for breathing?
   A: No.
   Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
      began the autopsy?
   A: No.
   Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
   A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
   Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
   A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing
      law somewhere.

   Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
   A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

Here are some classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...

   LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's
           vagina show?
   WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
   LAWYER: Male semen?
   WITNESS: That's the only kind I know of.

   LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
   WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
   LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
   WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
   LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
   WITNESS: No.

   LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what
           did you observe with respect to your scalp?
   WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the
            hospital.
   LAWYER: It was covered?
   WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
   LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
   WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were
            removed and put on top of my head.

   CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
   WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
   CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
   WITNESS: That's right.
   CLERK: Repeat it.
   WITNESS: "Repeat it".
   CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
   WITNESS: What you said when?
   CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
   WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
   CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
   WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
   CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
   WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
   CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be
   the truth and..."
   WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
   CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
   WITNESS: Okay.
   (Witness remains silent.)
   CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
   WITNESS: Yes.
   CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   CLERK: Well? Do so.
   WITNESS: You're confusing me.
   CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
   WITNESS: Is that all?
   CLERK: Yes.
   WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
   CLERK: Then say it.
   WITNESS: What?
   CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
   WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
   CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
   WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
   CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But",
          "The","Truth".
   WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
   CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
   WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
   CLERK: Thank you.
   WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

   LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the
           farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
   WITNESS: I did.
   LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the
           duck pond?
   WITNESS: I did.
   LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
   WITNESS: I did.
   (Witness remains silent.)
   LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
   WITNESS: I saw George.
   LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   (Witness remains silent.)
   LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
   WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
   LAWYER: His "thing"?
   WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
   LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
           you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this
           clearly?
   WITNESS: Yes.
   LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
   WITNESS: Of course I did!
   LAWYER: What did you say to him?
   WITNESS: "Morning, George."